Pencils

Mom spent lots of time getting me ready for the first day of school.  The night before, she pressed my shirt and laid my skirt on the tatami, making sure all the folds were perfectly straight.  She shined my shoes and polished them with cloth.  Then, she sharpened a few pencils with a small knife.  Her movements were even and efficient.  I was very happy to have a box of beautifully shaped pencils.

At school, I noticed that some of my classmates used small gadgets to keep their pencils sharp.  With a few gentle twists, the pencils would look as good as new.  Out of curiosity, I asked to try them on my own pencils.

I showed mom the result of my experiment after school.  She was furious, saying that I ruined the pencils.  She said they looked as if a dog had chewed on them.  I was totally confused.  To me, the pencils looked beautiful.  However, judging by mom’s reaction, I sensed that there was something evil about using pencil sharpeners.  I didn’t touch them again.

Years later, already an adult and having observed some of my friends sending their children to school, I finally realized, instead of pencils, what I ruined was mom’s dream of getting her child ready for the first day of school.  She had wanted all the beautiful things to come out of her own hands.  She held the dream so close to her heart that it was almost a secret.

Mom grew up poor.  She told us that she had to get up early every morning; make breakfast and pack lunch for herself.  Before she was tall enough, she had to stand on a stool to reach the stove top.   she would hike over the mountain to her school.  Coming home in the evening, she had to help with chores: collecting firewood, growing vegetables and feeding pigs.  Her drive to seek a better life pushed her forward.

Mom often told us that we should learn to appreciate everything in life.  She said that our good fortune was the result of other people’s sacrifices.  Mom taught us to always give thanks.

I never asked mom about that day.  I carry a deep remorse for having ruined one of mom’s dreams.  I try my best to show my appreciation, not only to mom but also to everyone in my life.